Do you ever look at a book list and think to yourself, "Check, check and check?" That's how I felt when I went to the 640s-- because, dear children, I came of age before the Internet. That's right, kids-- no YouTube, no food bloggers-- in fact, no HDTV. If we wanted to know how to do something around the house, we had to hie ourselves to the library or the book sale and darn well touch dead trees to figure it out.
Cookbooks? Um, yeah! I learned to cook-- well, actually, from my mom, but she told me to read cookbooks, not just look up recipes in them, so I read More with Less and The Joy of Cooking. DIY around the house? A book taught me to build in bookshelves and construct an extra kitchen cabinet-- they weren't works of art, but they got it done. Another one showed me how to paint fake wood panelling (hint: immediately) or staple fabric over it. Fashion, hair and makeup? Not really my biggest thing, but I might have read a slim volume or two in junior high and high school-- and I definitely jumped on the Color Me Beautiful bandwagon. Living your best life around the house--there's a book for that. De-cluttering-- hm, I could write the book on that. I can throw your crap away like a boss. In fact, I can even get rid of things you actually wanted! Just leave them at my house without explanation-- in six months or less they will be out the door. Marriage? I speak all five love languages and know what animal my spouse is. I was a FLYLady until I found out that meant I had to put shoes on first thing in the morning. I dared to discipline and hugged a porcupine and parented with love and logic and definitely raised some readers. But one thing I never did was find out How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. It is a sort of sequel to How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and was written by Faber's daughter, Joanna Faber, and Joanna's friend since childhood, Julie King.
I'd sort of vaguely heard of the earlier book, which came out in 1980, but, shame on me, I never bothered to read it. I thought I had a plan, and when that plan started to reveal its limitations, I had no plan B. And then everyone grew up and it was a moot point. And then they started having kids... and I knew that as a grandparent, I wanted a new plan A.
It was actually one of my sons who recommended How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen to me. He pitched it as not only the best book on child-rearing but also the best book on communication, period, that he had ever read. And now that I have read it too, I am sold.
People, don't do what I did. Don't miss this book. Don't miss these ideas. You need them now. You need them yesterday! They are powerful. And, bonus, you will not hurt yourself reading this "survival guide." It is full of scenarios and real-life experiences of people using the tools and/or failing to do so... and, you guys, every one of these stories, not surprisingly, features a kid between the ages of 2 and 7, so they're all adorable!
What are these tools, you ask? Here they are, just in the order they appear in the first half of the book:
- Acknowledge feelings, with words, writing, art, or even just quiet attention
- Validate feelings by giving in fantasy what you can't give in reality
- Make a chore into a game-- and appreciate progress!
- Offer acceptable and meaningful choices
- Put the child in charge
- Instead of commanding:
- Give information
- Say one word
- Describe what you see and/or how you feel
- Write a silly note
- When necessary, take action without insult
- When something goes wrong:
- Express your feelings strongly
- Show your child how to make amends
- Remove the object or change the situation that's causing problems
- Ultimately, maybe reconsider your expectations
- Problem-solve:
- Acknowledge your child's feelings
- Describe the problem
- Brainstorm ideas without criticism
- Decide what ideas you both like
- Try out your solutions!
- Praise specifically, not generally:
- Describe what you see
- Describe the effect on others
- Describe effort
- Describe progress
- For kids who are differently wired (to use the authors' term):
- Join them in their world
- Take time to imagine and verbalize what your child is experiencing
- Put into words what your child is trying to communicate
- Adjust expecations and manage the environment rather than the child
- Use notes, checklists, pictures, songs, gestures instead of just endless words
- When all else fails, ask yourself:
- Are they hangry?
- Are they sleepy?
- Are they overwhelmed?
- Are they just not ready for this situation?
...and that's just the first half of the book! The whole second half applies these tools to various situations: food, mornings, siblings, shopping, lies, tattles, cleaning up, doctors, hitting and sleep. There are even chapters about what to do when parents get angry and when the tools don't work.
These tools make a great combination with the concepts in Parenting with Love and Logic. Love and Logic is built on the concept that you can't control anyone else, you can only control yourself, and that if you set boundaries around your own behavior so that you avoid frustrating situations, you will be able to more calmly respond to whatever other people bring at you. How to Talk teaches you how to not be a jerk while setting those boundaries. And these two ideas --controlling your own behavior so that you get more of what you want out of life, and respecting other people's feelings and desires whether you can grant them or not-- are vital for everyone!
